Beginnings?

I was thinking something else and then I thought to myself, people are always telling me I should blog, okay, fine, let's do it then! Let's do it in my old blog, which I have locked and left untouched. Now I ramble on on Instagram. Short rambles, because people have no patience nor/or brains these days to digest anything that can't be seen in one scroll of the screen. Let's do it here even though I cringe when I think of all that I have laid bare in this space (plus I could never stand to read my own writing the way I would read others). Let's do it here because this reminds me of the pleasure of ruminating a stranger's thoughts, and every greedy but careful scroll of the mouse ( those days ...) led to more.

Frankly, I'm stoned right now. That led to me thinking, okay, I have not tried reading while buzzed. Which led to, okay, I have not tried writing while buzzed. So let's do it. See if those drug-fueled accounts of being more focused, more creative and yet freer have any truth in them.

How I got to deciding to roll a joint was because of yet another intense discussion of "our relationship", and I was sick of thinking about it. "You know what?" I said in my head, "I don't have time to constantly be thinking about this relationship. I have so many other life failures to think about."

I entered this relationship with another man on my mind and in my heart. But I did it, because the fastest way to get over someone is to use someone else. But I was very fond of him. I needed his innocence and eager, childlike ways. I needed the way he could be a pig and yet, also take the time to look into my eyes and thank me for putting up with his shit. I needed his body, his insatiability, the strength that ripples through his arms when he holds me, and the way he would take his time to kiss me.

Does that make me a monster? I have told him I love him, and I meant it. But I have also heard my voice wobble trying to utter those three words without seeming like a fraud. He is a boy who needs to hear me speak of my love. I figured that I could learn to do that, even though I used to and sometimes still do sniff at those who say it so often because if it were true you wouldn't need to, because it is true that you should take every chance to say it when you mean it. So I started practising.

I am both a really good and really bad liar. Some things I toss out with no concern. But when it comes to things like feelings and what I like, I can feel my facial muscles twitch and my brain cells whir when I try to lie.

I love you. Who knew it would be so hard to love a person 24/7, without any breaks during the day?

He is home. So I guess I'll need to continue processing this another time.