Wilful Liberation

Someone who came back from holiday exclaimed that I've lost a lot of weight and must be very stressed. The last time I pushed my fringe to the side, someone made that comment too. I admit that a side-swept fringe is more flattering for me but I didn't think it was that big a difference. Such a marvel. I'll just let it hang around for a while more before I chop it off again, I guess.

Someone I knew from school passed away recently. I say knew but I didn't really know her. My feelings towards her ranged from dislike to discomfort to the most part, indifference. I'm sure it was the same for her. Nonetheless, our paths did cross in the most unusual and cliched way when we were 13.

But anyway. She passed away. You could say it was a freak accident. And I can't stop thinking about it. Not in a I suddenly regret not being her best friend way. More in a detached manner. What happened was pretty sobering. It hits you on the head that people die for no real good reason at 26. Or 17. Or younger. Like my childhood friend who passed away, I think because of cancer, in her teens. We lost touch and when I heard about her again, it was about how she was dead.

Sometimes I make casual comments that go, Assuming we've led a third or a quarter of our lives... The truth is, when I say something like that, I do make a mental discount that it may be much less. But even after the discount, I give myself around at least 40 years. I don't believe I will live forever, naturally. But I also don't not believe that. I know there is death. But I don't see how it could be connected to me. Even when I sat on the floor beside my grandfather's dead body, I don't think I really understood what it was all about. How someone can look so different not breathing and how someone can instantly look smaller and less present hours after taking the last breath. You'd think it takes longer than that, but it turns out it's really all gone in an instant.

So I have been wondering. What was she thinking when she took her last breath? Did she know? Was she aware at any point in time before she reached the final moments? Consciously, sub-consciously? Did she fight? How did they tell her parents? How did they react? What was the first thing they did or said when they saw her lying there, same but different? What was her mother thinking then? What about now? Have they cleared her room? Does her mother fall asleep crying? Wake up tear-streaked? Does she blame anyone for this? I wish someone could tell me in nitty gritty detail all these things. The nuances of pain. I don't wish to experience such devastation, except vicariously.

And now, wilful liberation. I tendered my resignation yesterday. I did want to write about it last night but I decided to read Nana instead.

I've been thinking about it for a while, and finally, on Friday, it occurred to me that I really wanted to just go ahead with it. But I told myself to be calm and to think about it for a couple more days. So I did. And I went ahead.

I think I was right to do so. Right now, I feel like I've set a snowball rolling off the snow-capped mountain and it's slowly becoming a larger and larger ball of snow, just like in cartoons. Right now, I'm slowly working towards the day the giant snowball crashes into the villain with a satisfying splat.

I mentioned my intentions to a couple of friends and naturally, the reaction was that times are bad and it's unwise to do something so impetuous.

But you know me. When I make up my mind, I make it myself and it will hardly waver because of something like practical considerations. So I ignored the practical people and told other friends who won't be so inclined to tell me it's stupid after I had made the decision.

I'm unrealistic and irrational that way.

Well, no. Not really lah. I did give it some thought and I have very rough drafts of Plans A, B and C. At the end of the day, this is my sanity, my happiness and my life. I don't want to waste my time being miserable. That's not my style and I'm lucky enough to be in a situation where I can afford to be reckless and wilful without too many concerns and obligations. So we'll see how it all goes.