Death and the high cost of living

Morpheus, the Lord of Dreams, and his sister, Death.
The Sandman, Neil Gaiman

On 31 Dec 2005, I wrote in the group blog a list of demands I had of my friends upon my death. It's too embarrassingly childish to re-post. I wanted a dinner party. I even specified what food I wanted, just in case I could be "present" and actually able to "eat".

Actually, while the tone was downright flippant, I was serious about the dinner party. It would be nice to think that even when you're no longer around, your friends can still be bothered to gather round a table to enjoy a good dinner and generally have a laugh about the times you had together. Reminisce about old times, you know.

Some may find this train of thought slightly morbid. I'm not expecting myself to keel over any time but the thing about death we all know is that you never know. So I suppose I find it comforting to know I have somewhat stated my piece.

The dinner party idea came into existence after I watched 求婚事務所 (Taiwanese drama), the exact segment within the two clips below. Their version of a gathering is actually a little too solemn and teary for my liking. But it being a tragic love story, the atmosphere is necessary.

After the show, I spent a little while listening to If on repeat mode. And since then, If has always been associated with death for me when previously, it was just a rather sweet song I don't particularly enjoy. When my grandfather passed away, I spent a while listening to If as well.

For my death dinner party soundtrack (I think it's important, silence might be too overwhelming on such occasions), I think the ktv kakis should have no real problem putting together a list of music. Note: the brother is not allowed to input any churchy crap music. Or play a beautiful movie in the background, perhaps?

I have a lot of stuff. I would like them to move on to people who love them and use them. To be worn, read, watched, listened to. But of course, not everyone is comfortable with using stuff belonging to a dead person. If you are, I'd like you to grab all that you want. The brother can implement this giving away. The immediate family (I feel the need to specify mum, dad, brother) has first dips to keep what they want for themselves, then comes the friends, followed by miscellaneous relatives and the like, and finally, the Salvation Army or whoever may need what is left.

I want to stress that I don't want large amounts of money to be wasted on my death. I'm not a big fan of obligatory ceremonies. I skipped graduation and I think big-scale Chinese wedding dinners are silly. Death is a thriving business. And I do rather believe ceremonial acts are more for the living, as a form of attaining closure. So do what is necessary for yourself but keep it minimal and don't hesitate to skimp because there are no obligations. I'd much rather money be spent on all the beautiful things in this world. Honestly, I'm not keen on that whole void deck business but I'm also not sure what the alternatives are. If possible, I'd like something simple and pretty. As non-religious as possible. If a religious aspect has to be incorporated, it will lean towards Taoism or Buddhism.

I think I'd like to be cremated. Even though I really dislike being hot. Still it's better than being underground and gnawed on by strange crawly things.

I'm not sure if it's necessary for my body to be on display to everyone. If it is, I want a nice outfit and no garish makeup please. I'd be dead and no amount of blusher will make me look radiant, so I'd rather not look ridiculous.

And I want my picture to be pretty and smiley, with non-poofy hair.

Pinku

The other day, on one of our water-purchase trips, I discovered strawberry cream Oreos! Very excitedly I grabbed the last pack on the shelf and the last of it is now in my stomach.

Thing is, I love strawberry flavoured cream. Have loved it for as long as I remember. When it comes to Pocky, Hello Panda and Yan Yan, I would always pick strawberry. To the point I don't even like the chocolate flavoured versions anymore.

I also love strawberry milk (esp Meiji) and strawberry milkshakes (mostly Mos or Macs). Apollo chocolate is a favourite cheer-up and Canele's strawberry shortcake is quite possibly the cake I adore most.

I'm very fond of the shade of pink strawberry cream usually is. And it's not because I like pink that I like the flavour. If anything, it's the other way round.

That distinctive sweet artificial scent and the way the cloying sweetness melts into your tastebuds. Mmm...

The above are all in my list of top strawberry loves. On Fri night, I tried the JCo strawberry cream donut. I think I can add that to the list.

新不了情

終於現場感受到了楊宗緯的歌聲
真妙
專輯里覺得好聽﹐不錯或還okay的歌
聽完了現場版後都覺得
哇﹗其實我也很喜歡這首﹗

當他突然來了一段背叛的時候﹐真的還蠻感動的。
那一瞬間回想起了當時看他在星光表演的情緒
幾百遍的猛看猛聽﹐突然間那一幕竟然在眼前。
怎麼說?
無與倫比的美麗

好想追到台灣參加他的演唱會﹐但應該沒辦法。
希望不會變成一生的遺憾

覺得自己有點莫名其妙
覺得真好玩
覺得能被一把聲音那麼感動
真好

(穿著短裙的老人家真的不該被迫坐在地上啊。)

When was the last time you sat on the grass?

On Friday, we went for Gisele in the Park and had a blast. Technically, the blast bit had nothing to do with performance, most unfortunately. Ignoring that little detail, picnicking in the park, chit-chatting in the slight evening breeze (quietly, of course) and moving on for late night coffee after - all tremendous fun.

The set was actually rather pretty. And I did enjoy bits of it. Just that we arrived rather late due to work, so there was a "no-head-no-tail" feeling.

Guilty suspects camouflaged by the dark. Funny girl pulled out The Lovely Bones and started to read ("I'm almost done!") while OCDed one declared with a huff, "Man, this is so boring," and plopped her head down to the pile of bags, quite possibly whiling the rest of the night away in random daydreams.

Topshop is killing me

Remember this pair of shoes? Mentioned it when I first started writing here and finally saw it in the store today. Obviously I wanted it but it was not to be. The fit was so horrendous there was no way even I could convince myself that it's okay.

The good part is that the ankle straps actually sit really low, so it's not unflattering on less than perfectly slender calves.

The bad part is so bad there's just no salvation. The entire front of the show is off. The feet can't slide nicely under the strap at all, despite the shoe looking so innocently normal in the picture. Both sides of the foot kind of stick out, and the so much of the inner part is hanging over the heel it's a bit ridiculous. The curve of the shoe is also no way close to the arch of the feet.

At first I thought it might be that my feet are too broad, even though I've always worn Topshop shoes with no trouble. But the girl who eats slowly tried it on her narrower feet and we had to conclude that the shoe was just so badly made.

Which is a real pity, cos I really like the gloss and the cleanly sliced edges.

Tried a pair of t-strap floral print flats as well. The print was pretty - small blooms in bright, primary colours on black is always good - but the cut was atrociously hideous.

So, seriously, what's the deal with Topshop. Cos that's not all.

Is it me or have their stock been replenishing really, really slowly for a long time now. They have new stuff a lot less regularly and even when they do, it's often just a few token pieces to create the illusion that they have something new.

Also, stuff that have been up on the website eons ago have been super slow in coming, if at all.

Maybe it's my fault for visiting too often - once a week, at least. But that is, or was, the selling point of TS - the quick stock turnover and constant surprises that leave you gasping and agonising because there's just so.much.stuff you want.

Sigh. I've been using the title "Topshop is killing me" when I really should be changing it to "Topshop.com is killing me".

I want H&M.

That said, I do still love TS. To the point I think it's a bit sick. Like today, I haven't been in a TS for maybe two weeks, and I just had to go. Had to. It was an urge so strong it had manifested as a tightening in my chest and had completely overwhelmed my brain.

So today, we were in Suntec and after I went to the one there (small and boring) I had to go the Marina one (bigger but still boring) and then I needed to go to the Wisma shop (the one I visit weekly, you see) As I got nearer to TS Wisma, my steps quickened and I could think of nothing else but stepping into the familiar layout and flipping through the racks. Only after I had gone and determined there was nothing I could buy did I feel relaxed and able to slow down again.

I also had this conversation with one of the sales assistants at the Suntec store.

Me: Why is it that your spring shoes are not in yet?

Her: Oh these are all new season shoes! Like this and this and this are the latest arrivals.

Me: But that's really old, I saw it long ago. I've been looking at stuff on your website and there are so many things I want but they just never come in.

Her: Well, you know that yellow pair over there is also new. And also... (pauses to take a closer look)

Me: Mm yah, and the floral one right?

Her: Yah! (look of amazement that I know) You really like Topshop huh?

Me: Yah I guess I do, but I usually go the Wisma one.

We talked a little more after that. She was really nice and friendly, just that her English got a bit difficult to understand as we strayed into conversational territory outside of her usual sales talk (she's from China and her articulation is slightly too relaxed). Nonetheless, we managed to yak. I guess you can say fashion conquers boundaries.

What do you call such a symptom?

Following the pink/blue/boy/girl photography project, discovered this in New York Magazine. People who only wear one colour. Wow.

The interviews are also interesting. Well, naturally, I guess. You must have some really quirky opinions if you've pared your life down to one colour.

Some of my favourites:

Do you make your own blue shoes?
I go to leather fairs and have the factory make me shoes. I also buy white Chanel and Christian Louboutin shoes, and I color them blue with custom-ordered electric-blue Sharpies.

- Valeria “ValBlu” McCulloch. Shoe Designer. Yves Klein blue.

Why gray?
I actually wore turquoise for eight years, but last September, I switched to gray. I’d had a bad year and needed to get out of it.

What about shoes?
That’s hard because even the soles of my shoes have to be gray or white. I get annoyed if the soles are black.

- Rebecca Turbow. Fashion Designer. Gray.

Now you also wear pink. Why?
Sometimes I think it’s because my mother dressed me in pink when I was a child. She wanted me to be a girl.

- Karim Rashid. Industrial Designer. White half the time, pink half the time.

Tell me about your style.
I always wear overalls. I have 30 pairs. I buy children’s sizes from GapKids and Chadwick’s. And I dye everything—my Nike sneakers, my underwear. I can’t fall asleep unless I’m wearing green.

- Elizabeth Sweetheart. Fabric Designer. Kelly green.

But brown is good?
I have brown hair and eyes, and I believe in matching.

Are there any downsides to wearing brown?
I’ve been invited to two events that required black tuxedoes, so I didn’t go. I always said I’d wait until I’d been asked to three tuxedo events before I accepted. So I’m in danger of needing to wear a tuxedo.

- Stephin Merritt. Singer-Songwriter. Brown.

Amazing stuff.

How is it that Karen Walker eyewear is so cool?

I've been thinking that I should invest in a pair of designer shades. I own quite a few pairs from high street boutiques, random street markets and this one shop in People's Park that sells all these retro designs.

Increasingly, however, I've been wary about how they are supposed to be bad for your eyes. Been reading too much about insufficient UV protection and how lenses that have been tinted but not actually treated to be properly anti-UV can cause harm to the eyes. So the assumption here is that designer shades will have taken maximum care in ensuring that they protect the eyes. I hope I'm right.

My eyesight is more than perfect and I would like it to remain thus.

This is not a purchase I want to rush. I want to buy something I'll love and wear for a long time. And I think I could love the bottom right pair for a long time. Shall take time to start look through the stores slowly.

View from the loo

I was in the office loo when I spied through the cheapo blinds (technically two thick pieces of paper side by side) the most amazing sky. The individual bobbles of fluffy cloud were pink against a glinting blue background and it looked like a wonderful iridescent repeat print pattern.

I dashed back to my desk to grab the camera but in the less than 30 seconds I was gone, the colours had already faded and the washed out sight above was what's left.

Life is all about being in the right place at the right time with the right equipment, I guess.

Chasing Dreams

Dreams, Zink Magazine Sep 2007
Photograph: Eugenio Recuenco
Model: Jennifer Pugh
from foto decadent

Passion was introduced into my life at the tender age of 13, in the form of our principal Mrs Carmee Lim, who lived and breathed the emotion, right down to the way she'd sing the national anthem and school song with gusto. Passion for life, dreams and everything you do in between. I don't remember the as you walk through the portals of RGS speech very clearly, despite the number of times I've heard it, but I remember that the subject of passion always being brought up. Regrettably, I was young and ignorant and pretty much drifted through the system not really understanding what was going on.

Then there was Mr Eric Lee in RJ, who basically said one day that it's okay not to know what you want when you're 19. It's even okay when you're 29. But at 39, if you still don't know what you're doing, then there's a problem.

Fast forward a few years, it was head over heels in the music by Mayday. They catapulted to fame and fortune singing about youth and the wasting of youth as our right and dreams and daring to dream. And legions of fans fervently nodded their heads in agreement and shed tears while they plucked up the courage to pursue their own dreams. It all came to a screeching halt for me one day when Ashin said, somewhat wistfully, he wondered sometimes if it had been irresponsible of them to keep pushing people to be persevering dream chasers. That was around the same period my connection to them simply snapped.

I've always harboured curiosity and envy for people with rock solid dreams and who are living each day in a happy, driven pursuance of what is in their far sight. Because it's never been clear to me what I want. I only know what I do not want. Decisions made on that kind of basis have somehow served me alright. Maybe something surer will hit me when I'm 29.

I believe it's possible to earn a living doing something you truly love. I also believe you're damn lucky if you ever figure out what that is and actually get to do it.

So when opportunity comes along and it puts a sparkle in your eye and sets your heart racing, there are only two endings to that story. You go with it and spend your life living with your decision, richer or poorer for it. Or you spend your life asking yourself, what if? It's such a cliche. But I believe that a true what if? option can haunt you even when you're on your deathbed, even when you've led a fulfilling and meaningful life.

Only you can decide if this is a true what if? And if it is, why be tethered by imaginary shackles?

(And about what Eric Lee said, I later rationalised that it was because he was past 29 and not yet 39 when he found his calling, that he set that particular time frame.)

Guess Aerin's at Raffles City is the place NEVER to go.

Check out this account of a nasty experience at Aerin's at Raffles City. It is so, so appallingly rude. I don't know about you but something like that really sticks in my head and I will never set foot in that place. There are tonnes of places to eat in Singapore, even in Raffles City itself, so why subject yourself to possible grief?

The way I see it, at least three people deserve to get sacked here. And if this behaviour is encouraged or even tolerated by management, well, they should get shut down.

Read it and spread the word yah. While I'm okay with the typically blase behaviour of service people here, I detest rotten attitudes and the downright rude.

So if you love your friends, don't allow them to set foot in there.

The most crazy beautiful luggage conveyor

Some days I choose to take the bus home and my latest favoured route is take 36 to the airport and switch to the bus that'll drop me at my doorstep.

So that's how I ended up at Changi Airport T3. It was only 10pm and I figured I could take a quick look around.

On the whole, it was alright. The place was huge and the steel and glass structure looks a little drab from the inside. It was rather quiet although the transit area was buzzing with activity. There were some nice features and this is my favourite.

The picture doesn't do the giant water structure and foliage wall justice. When it came into view, I was like, wah. And then to see luggage bags serenely floating alongside... It was just so cool. Imagine going to a country and being impressed by the conveyor belt!

A glimpse of another water feature in the transit area. There were lots of plush armchairs scattered all over T3. Lots of people draped over them as well.

As I was leaving, I saw this giant flower in the middle of nowhere, nonchalantly rotating, extending and withdrawing its cheery mechanical head. It was a little funny, but quite cute.

While I was whipping out my camera to take a picture of the luggage conveyor, someone called out my name and I froze for a moment, wondering who the heck in the world could, at that moment, catch me behaving like a tourist at our own airport. Turned out to be a friend known through work, flying off for a business trip. When I sheepishly explained why I was there, he laughed and told me I was such a funny character.

Ah well.

T3 is very cold, by the way.

Smitten

Oh I love this... (from altamira nyc)

I also love the word smitten. And also words that look so like their meaning.

This is the most wonderful wedding invitation I've seen.

You want to know why?

After I did what I had to do, I had my blinkers on firmly. With the decision came waves of nostalgia and very highly tinted rosy shades. For a while, I focused only on the little bit of fondness I still had left for you, letting it magnify because, hey, I won't have to deal with the shitty bits anymore!

A little while ago, I believe it was last week, the blinkers wobbled and fell off. And today, two useless conversations with the redundant fool later, I am pissed off.

Stop expecting gratefulness. As I've bee recently told, we don't work for love. So we should not allow anyone to cheat us of our money. And don't claim you haven't cos you have and we all remember vividly how. Your expectations of people falling at your feet to kiss your toes and cry hail the lord to thank you have led to the accumulation of a bunch of incompetent sycophants by your side. Only one kind of person puts himself on a false pedestal and demands respect and his name is either Tyrant or Fool. Very often both.

Stop elevating yourself by putting down others to put yourself in a better light. You always pick the bullies and the fools and the insecure and the unkind to use as examples of how good you are. It doesn't work that way. Being better than the scum of the earth does not make you good. It just makes you better than that particular scum. And there are many levels of scum. We all need aspirational heroes so we may be better persons. Find one. I am leaving to find mine.

Be just and do not encourage politics. It is NOT lonely at the top. It is only lonely at the bottom. Where hopeless individuals, who claim that it's lonely at the top, dwell.

Be good at your craft but maintain sincerity. It is important not to lose yourself as a person. You lose who you are, you lose human decency, you lose everyone and everything.

Be transparent and open. If you have good news or grand plans, share but do not promise what you cannot deliver. Being non-confrontational and leaving the dirty work to middle men is most despicable.

Do not take people for granted and just add on to their burdens as and when you please. You are not god.

Water IS a fucking necessity.

I think I've said too much. And now I'll say why I can't tell you all the above.

Because you cannot take truths. To be honest with you only results in the following outcomes:
- lambasted for ungratefulness
- portrayed to everyone you speak to as the ungrateful villain who has wounded you, the eternal victim
- attacked in turn with everything you've been unhappy about all this time

Now I wouldn't mind so much if you had been open with your dissatisfaction each time it occurred. But no, you withhold everything and and allow it all to become your personal vendetta. At this point, I wouldn't want to hear anything because it would only be vindictive and non-constructive.

I have learned a lot from you. Unfortunately, it's not what you think. I have learned not to be petty, not to be a frog in the well and not to boast. I will constantly remind myself to be less arrogant, to remain grounded, to always want to improve instead of relying on past glories, to be fair, to be just, to reward and reprimand appropriately and to respect and be worth respecting.

I have learned to never be like you.

So here's one last thing. Stop repeating to everyone how opportunity and rewards have been bestowed upon me. You may have been responsible for where I was in the beginning and you may have somewhat contributed to what I now know in the beginning stage. But honestly, I think I've contributed more to you than you may have given me. After all, you're hardly a firm believer in just rewards, are you? (No, do not be deluded, please.) We have been self-functioning for a very long time and if you stop for moment to listen to your recent vocal absurdities, you'll know why we treat you like the emperor parading in new clothes.

Terrible urge to take flight

Supreme urge to fly off somewhere, and the destination that comes to mind, an easy place to go alone, is the city of Taipei.

The place has been popping up everywhere and making its presence felt. Tonnes of people around me have been flying there the past few months. Every other day, I see on FB new pictures of a trip to Taiwan or new happy declarations of people making their ways there.

Seeing the pictures of the familiar streets, food and people always awakens this awful urge in me to be there as well.

And I would fly there next week. But the urge only overwhelmed me today and the Jetstar promotion is over while the normal tickets are simply too expensive to justify such a whim. Not to mention how I won't be able to spend the weekend there since I've to be back by Sat evening for the Wu Bai (!) concert.